Fanservice II: Back to School Special
by Andrew Aelfwine
Summary: Sequel to Fanservice. An Angel-free Tokyo-3 is still beset with chaos, madness, and Hello Kitty merchandise. Lime, WAFF, shoujo ai, shounen ai, polyamoury.


Fanservice II: Back to School Special  
***  
A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction   
By Andrew Carey  
***  
Characters and situations of Neon Genesis Evangelion are  
property of their creators and publishers. I am merely  
borrowing them for this work of non-profit fanfiction. The  
same goes for elements and/or characters from Ranma «,  
Tenchi Muyo, Five Star Stories, Gundam Wing, and S.M.  
Stirling's Draka novels  
***  
The fishing bit (you'll see) is borrowed from a very funny  
French movie which I saw back in the spring of '96 on late  
night RTE. Unfortunately I've forgot the title completely.   
If you think you might know it, would you please be so kind  
as to tell me? Bien merci! (Ouais, je connais que ce n'est  
pas du bon Francais. Mais c'est de la belle Cadien!)  
***  
This is a sequel to "Fanservice," taking place approximately  
a year later, and will probably make _slightly_ more sense if  
you're familiar with the previous story. It may be found on  
my website at  
http://www.geocities.com/ap_aelfwine/Fanservice.txt  
***  
Thanks kindly to Adrian Tymes for the notion of the Rei  
clones and their relationship:-)  
***  
Lime warning.  
Poly warning.  
WAFF warning.  
Silly warning.  
Probably-a-spoiler-somewhere warning.  
***************  
  
"All right, Shin-chan. Let's take her out."  
  
The Evangelion unit stepped onto the open plain  
outside the NERV pyramid. "It's working!" Shinji said.  
  
"Sure is. I knew it would settle down eventually.   
Bring her to a stop-- very good! Okay, horse stance!   
And... um... whadayacallit... gong... bu?"  
  
The Evangelion flowed through the stances.   
"Beautiful! See, Ritsuko, it does work without Mother  
being absorbed inside, after all."  
  
"Mother?"  
  
Misato blushed. "Doctor Ikari Yui, I-- "  
  
"Misato-chan! I told you not to be so formal!"  
boomed a voice from the control room speakers.   
  
"Sorry, Mother."  
  
"How does she do that?" Ritsuko asked, uncovering  
her ears.  
  
"I don't want to know."  
  
Asuka's picture appeared on the lower right-hand  
corner of the screen. "Is something wrong in there?"  
  
"Nothing, sweetheart. Just a little message from  
Mother."  
  
A fearful expression briefly crossed the redhead's  
features, hastily replaced by a broad smile. "Oh. That's...  
really, really nice."  
  
"Naturally."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"You lovebirds can chat later. We've got tests to  
make," Ritsuko said.  
  
"Right. Okay, Shin-chan, let's throw a punch."  
  
The Evangelion's arm rose. Smoothly, it thrust out  
a fist, its elbow straightening... and twisted its fingers into a  
complicated pattern which, when joined by the other hand a  
moment later, cast a cowlike shadow.  
  
"I'm not doing that!" Shinji cried.  
  
"I know, darling. Oh well, that's farther than we've  
gotten in months. Can you control the legs?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
"Good. Let's take her home."  
  
The Eva walked a few steps before halting. "I can't  
make it do anything!"  
  
"Damn! It just wanted better light. It's not your  
fault, Shin-chan." The great war machine attempted a pig.   
It fumbled a number of times before giving up and switching  
to a dog.  
  
"Ummm... Mi-chan? What should I do?"  
  
"Just sit tight. We'll launch Asuka-chan and Rei to  
rescue you."  
  
"Okay." His voice wavered slightly.  
  
"Don't worry, sweetling. If it tries to hurt you, I'll  
take it apart with my bare hands. And I'll call in Mother to  
help out. I'm sure she could use the parts in one of her  
projects, like maybe a biomechanical toaster-oven or  
something. You hear me, Unit 01?"  
  
The Evangelion winced, then nodded hastily. It  
tried the pig again, making crude oinking noises.   
  
"Are you two ready?"  
  
Asuka brandished her fist. "Never fear, my darling!   
Souryuu Asuka Langley is here to save the day!"  
  
Rei's lips skinned back from her teeth in an  
humourless grin. "I will protect my brother."  
  
"Launch!"  
  
"Don't get carried away," Ritsuko muttered.  
  
"That's my boyfriend in there. And one of my  
girlfriends, too," Misato said.  
  
"I just don't want them to blow anything up."  
  
"What would you do if it were Maya?"  
  
"I'd rip it to shreds with my teeth! And I'd jump on  
the pieces! And then... then... then I'd subject them to full  
scientific analysis, of course."  
  
Above, the Eva approached the ejected plug. Shinji  
opened the hatch and pulled himself out, LCL dripping from  
his nose, his chin, and his fifteen-centimeter braid.  
  
"All right, sweetheart. Just a few more steps, and  
you'll be safe in here with me."  
  
"He is my brother. And I'm one-point-nine-seven  
meters closer. I will rescue him."  
  
"He's my boyfriend."  
  
"He's my brother."  
  
"He's my girlfriend."  
  
"He's my _brother_."  
  
"Boy-slash-girlfriend-slash-fiance."  
  
"Brother. DNA of my DNA."  
  
"Asuka-chan! Little Sister! Stop arguing and get  
him off the ground before that stupid lump of protoplasm  
steps on him!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"Do janken or something, okay?"  
  
"All right. On three."  
  
"Acceptable." Units 00 and 02 pumped their fists  
three times. Asuka came out paper, and Rei rock.  
  
"See! Fate smiles on Love!" Asuka reached down  
her Evangelion's hand, giving Shinji a boost. Seconds later  
he was inside her cockpit, caught tight in her arms.   
  
"Gurrk. Asuka-chan. Thanks. Can't..."  
  
"Oh. Sorry."  
  
"'S all right." They kissed.  
  
"Interesting technique," Rei commented. "Would it  
be offensive if I were to show the tape to my lovers?"  
  
"Yes!" Asuka slammed her fist down on the  
communication console, shutting off the visual feed.   
  
Ritsuko shook her head. "I knew Rei should have  
picked him up."  
*****  
  
"Well, that was certainly pointless," Asuka snarled,  
stripping off her plugsuit and tossing it into the corner.   
  
A hesitant hand knocked at the door. "Ummm,  
Asuka? There doesn't seem to be a men's locker room any  
more. Mind if I come in?"  
  
Asuka sighed. "Yes, baka-Shinji-chan. You've only  
slept and bathed with me every day for the past year. I  
really mind changing my clothes with you in the room."   
There was a few seconds' pause. "I was _joking_. Come  
in!"  
  
Rei turned from her locker, combing her shoulder  
length blue hair. "Hello, Brother."  
  
"I'm sorry!" He clapped his palms over his eyes.  
  
"Brother? Are you well? Your face is red."  
  
Asuka produced a water pistol from her carryall.   
"There, sweetheart, we're all girls now. You can open your  
eyes."  
  
She hesitated for a moment, then slowly took down  
her hands. Asuka tossed her a towel. "C'mon, let's get  
showered. Mi-chan's off duty in fifteen minutes." Shinji  
hesitated, her fingers on the seals of her suit. "Don't be shy,  
liebchen."  
  
"Right." She peeled off the tight fitting garment.  
  
"Fascinating," Rei commented.  
  
"Huh?!"  
  
"Your plugsuit fits both of your forms."  
  
"Ummm.... yeah."  
  
"Oh, it happens with most of his clothes," Asuka  
commented, unbinding her boy/girlfriend's pigtail and  
busying herself with a brush. "Seems to be part of the  
curse. Isn't it neat?"  
  
"Illogical."   
  
There were three shower heads, with no curtains.   
Shinji turned hers to ice cold and hoped it didn't change.  
  
Asuka preened, turning her face to the stream. "I'll  
scrub your back if you'll do mine, sweetheart."  
  
"Don't want to ...brrr... get near hot water."  
  
"You sure that isn't a little too cold for you?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"I don't know why you're so shy around  
Wondergirl. I mean, she _is_ your sister."  
  
Rei's hand snaked out and turned Shinji's shower  
control.  
  
"Aieee!" His hands dropped hastily.  
  
"Fascinating." Rei turned the water back to cold.   
"The change would appear to be instantaneous."  
*****  
  
In their cages, Units 00 and 02 turned to each other.   
Each brought up a fist, and brought it down again.  
  
One!  
  
Two!  
  
Three!  
  
00's rock beat 02's scissors. Giant lips twisted into  
clumsy smiles.   
*****  
  
"Shinji! Asuka! Come here!" Misato glomped  
them and didn't let go. That was a bit much, even for her.   
Doctor Akagi must have been worse than usual. He  
glanced in her direction. Something was different. Oh,  
right... Maya-san was visiting her mother. Apparently the  
doctor's case of separation anxiety made Misato's seem  
tame. The teddy bear tucked under her arm was a bit much,  
though.  
  
Misato was still clinging to them. "I need to get out  
of here. Now."   
  
By the time they reached the surface, she had calmed  
down enough to be content with holding hands. Shinji  
didn't think his fingers were actually bruised.   
  
"What happened?" Asuka asked.  
  
"I'll tell you later. Let's go to the park." They  
bought okonomiyaki and a six-pack of Yebisu from a yatai  
on the way.  
*****  
  
Yui was playing with her computer again. Gendou  
sat down behind her and wrapped his arms about her waist.   
He'd forgotten how much fun a normal life could be. No  
battles, no plots, no clones, just a house under the palm  
trees and his wife...  
  
Who was busily engaged in doctoring photographs  
of their son and his lovers. "Western or traditional, Gen-  
chan?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Their wedding. I can't decide which outfits I like  
better."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Maybe they could have one of each. Or better yet,  
two of each! Shinji could wear men's clothes, and then we  
could splash him and she could wear women's! Beautiful!"   
  
Two puppets appeared on her shoulders. Each  
looked disturbingly like a cross between Rei and an  
Evangelion unit. "You're a genius, Yui-chan!" one cried in  
a painfully high voice.   
  
"Greatest scientist and wedding planner in the  
world, Yui-chan!" added the other.  
  
For precisely the ten millionth time, Ikari Gendou  
wished he'd never listened to his wife when she proposed  
merging herself with Eva-01. For the one thousand and  
ninety first, he wished he'd never let her put a lab into their  
home. And for the eight hundred and seventy ninth, he  
wished he'd never given her the box of old anime discs he'd  
found while clearing out his office closet.  
*****  
  
"Mmmm, that hit the spot!" Misato threw back her  
head and drained her third beer.  
  
Shinji was nursing his first. He'd finally learned to  
enjoy the stuff, although it had taken a while.  
  
Misato made puppy-dog eyes. "Shin-chan? Could I  
have some of that?"  
  
"You're going to drink all of it."  
  
"Just a sip. Please?"  
  
"You do realise that I actually like it?"  
  
"Yes." She smiled fondly. "I'm so proud to be a  
positive influence in your life." She leaned over and kissed  
him gently on the lips. "Sweet Shin-chan," she murmured,  
wrapping one arm around his shoulders and slipping the can  
neatly from his hand with the other.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
She gave it back. "See, I only took a sip."  
  
He drank the last swallow. It had been half-full a  
moment before. "Some sip."  
  
Asuka laughed. "Here, Shinji, you can have some of  
mine."  
  
"Could I? Just a little bit? Pretty please?"  
  
"No, Mi-chan."  
*****  
  
"I'm home!" Rei1 called.  
  
"Welcome!" Rei2, Rei3, and Rei4 replied.  
  
"Why do we always say that?" Rei2 asked.  
  
"Because Commander Ikari told us to," said Rei3.  
  
"Commander Ikari also told us to call him 'Father',"  
commented Rei4.  
  
"I did not intend to disobey orders."  
  
"We won't punish you _this_ time, Three," Rei1  
said firmly. "_If_ you give us a hug."  
  
"Yes." The four clones glomped each other.  
*****  
  
Misato closed her eyes and stretched. "Isn't it a  
pretty afternoon? Let's go for a swim!"  
  
"I'm not sure if the pool's open today."  
  
"I'm not talking about the _pool_, Shin-chan.   
There's a nice pond right here."  
  
"But... it's probably against the rules! And anyhow,  
we don't have any suits."  
  
"Yes, we do!" She punched his shoulder  
affectionately. "We're wearing them right now."  
  
"What?" He paused for a moment. "Oh no!"  
  
"Oh yes!"   
  
"But... it's a public park!"  
  
"Don't be such a prude, Shin-chan. Hardly anyone  
ever comes here, and there's trees all around the pond."  
  
"But-- "  
  
"'C'mon, Shinji-chan, it'll be fun. How long has it  
been since the three of us had a nice romantic swim?"  
  
"Three days?"  
  
"See, it's been half a week!"  
  
"But... it's the middle of the afternoon."  
  
"Please? I had a really hard day at work. Ritsuko  
was listening to the Hello Kitty Christmas album."  
  
"That doesn't sound-- "  
  
"On repeat. All _day_. At maximum volume."  
  
"In April?"  
  
Misato shuddered. "Maya's been gone for two  
days. She claims it makes her feel less lonely."  
  
Asuka wrapped her arms around the taller woman,  
cradling her head on her shoulder. "Poor Mi-chan. The  
water would make you feel better, wouldn't it?"  
  
She sighed. "Uh-huh."  
  
"Oh, all right."  
  
"Yay!"  
*****  
  
"I want to see what spring is like on Jupiter and  
Mars..." Gendou sang as he took the steaks off the grill.   
"Yui! Dinner's ready!"  
  
"Just a minute." He poured the wine and put out the  
salad. Ten minutes later, he was still waiting.  
  
"Yui?"  
  
"Just let me finish one little thing..." He walked in  
and looked over her shoulder.  
  
"You're planning the Reis' wedding?"  
  
"They _are_ my daughters."  
  
"I think they'd want identical dresses."  
  
"But that's no fun!"  
  
"They _are_ clones."  
  
"Maybe I could put two of them in tuxedos?"  
  
*****  
  
"See, Shin-chan, it is nice in here, isn't it?"   
  
She looked towards the break in the trees for the  
fiftieth time, and shivered despite the warmth of the day.   
"Anyone could come along..."  
  
Asuka grinned. "That's half the fun."  
  
"What if it's some pervert or something?"  
  
"Don't worry, Shin-chan. We'll protect you."   
Misato tugged affectionately on her pigtail.  
  
Shinji could hear voices in the distance. A woman's  
voice, much louder than the rest, and a murmur of others.   
It sounded as if they were speaking English. "What is she  
saying?"  
  
"It is rumoured that the gorgeous and utterly heroic  
Major Katsuragi Misato and her adorable pet Evangelion  
pilots are frequent visitors-- "   
  
"Mi-chaaan," Asuka groaned, putting a hand over  
her lover's mouth. "Something about park design. 'The...'-  
- I don't know that word, I think it's some kind of tree-- '  
thrive best when close to water. We're particularly proud  
of our pond, which was planned by the botanist Saotome  
Kodachi and is home to over fifty species of rare plants."  
  
They were coming closer. Shinji turned bright red  
and hunkered down in the water, crossing her arms over her  
breasts. "No. This is not happening."  
*****  
  
"We have a letter," Rei2 declared.  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
"We are to attend school. Starting Monday after  
next."  
  
"All of us?"  
  
"It says 'Ayanami Rei.' No numbers."  
  
"School sounds interesting," said Rei3.  
  
"It isn't."  
  
"Really?" said Rei4.  
  
"The food is atrocious. The curriculum is pathetic.   
And I was always seated next to someone who didn't  
bathe."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"We are ordered. Therefore, we will go," said Rei2.  
  
"What else came?" Rei1 asked.  
  
Rei4 shuffled the stack. "A new municipal garbage  
collection schedule. The 'Journal of Human Genetics.' A  
supplement from 'Clone Awareness.' And the Victoria's  
Secret catalog."  
  
"Sweet!" the clones shouted in unison.  
*****  
  
"Well, that was really kind of funny, wasn't it?"  
Misato said as they neared their building.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Shinji still hadn't lost her  
blush. "No, it wasn't."  
  
Asuka pinched her gently on the nose. "They were  
just Girl Scouts from America, Shinji-chan. No big deal."  
  
"But..."  
  
"We were all girls. Just like a public bath. No  
worries."  
  
Misato laughed. "I think some of them were about  
ready to join us."  
  
Shinji shuddered.  
  
"And then there was that one with the camera."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Just kidding, sweetheart." Asuka hugged her about  
the shoulders and kissed her cheek.  
  
"Mail's here," Misato said, opening their box.  
  
"What do we have?"  
  
"'Die Welt,' 'Alternate Bowing: the Magazine for  
Aquatranssexual String Players,' a couple of letters, and the  
Victoria's Secret catalog."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
"Oh dear."  
  
"Don't fret, Shin-chan. We won't get you anything  
too embarrassing."  
  
Asuka grinned. "No thongs, at least."  
  
"We're home!" Misato called.  
  
Pen-pen opened his fridge and made a noise that  
sounded a bit like "Welcome." It might just as easily have  
meant "Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!"  
  
Misato sat down at the table and began to flip  
through the letters. "What's this? From your school? I  
thought they'd been closed."  
  
Asuka and Shinji peered over her shoulders.   
"What's it say?"  
  
"The two of you are supposed to start classes  
Monday after next."  
  
"What the heck?!" they exclaimed in rather nice  
open harmony.  
  
Misato's phone bleeped. "Hello? Katsuragi here."  
  
"This is really weird," Asuka whispered. "I always  
thought Marduk was just another part of NERV."  
  
"Same here. You'd think they would have told Mi-  
chan."  
  
"What?! You forgot to tell me? Because you were  
_lonely_?  
  
"How do you think _I_ feel about it?"  
  
Asuka and Shinji looked at each other. "I think they  
just did."  
  
"Yes, Ritsuko, I know I'm a cradle robber. Pot,  
kettle, black. Goodbye." She opened a drawer, wrapped  
the letter around the phone, and stuffed them inside.   
"Arrgh. I need a beer." She opened the refrigerator.   
"Either of you want one?" There was a squawk. "No, not  
you, Pen-pen."  
  
"So, what exactly happened?" asked Asuka.  
  
"Apparently Tokyo-3 is becoming a 'normal city'.   
And NERV thinks it would look bad if our pilots weren't  
getting a formal education."  
  
Shinji frowned. "But they never actually taught us  
anything. It was always the same lessons over and over  
again."  
  
"I know. I think it's the principle of the thing. If  
it's any consolation, all your old friends will be back as  
well."  
  
"It would be fun to see Hikari more often," Asuka  
mused. "But I've already been through university-- I really  
don't see why I need to go back to school. And Shinji's  
picked up more hanging around the Geofront than he could  
ever learn in a classroom."  
  
"Well, I'd suppose I could find some way you could  
work with me, Asuka-chan. But Shinji really ought to have  
a diploma."  
  
"I'll miss having you with me all the time,  
sweetheart, but I'm sure it'll just make the evenings that  
much more special."  
  
Something was bothering Misato. "Are you sure  
our Shin-chan should be alone at school, Asuka-chan?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"I can take care of myself."  
  
"Think about it. All those boys and girls, and our  
lover with his/her curse, alone and vulnerable to any pervert  
with a glass of water..."  
  
"You've got a point."  
  
"Aida and Suzuhara will be there."  
  
Asuka nodded. "Right. I guess it's back for both of  
us."  
  
Misato hugged them, tightly. "I wish I could go  
with you."  
  
"Don't cry, Mi-chan, it's only seven hours a day."  
  
"Seven hours...waaaah..."  
  
*****  
  
"Well, here we are," Misato said, slowing her  
battered blue compact to an uncharacteristically gentle stop.   
The new building was a little further away than the old one.   
It was faced in brick and plaster stone-substitute, with  
plastic ivy draped in sheets down the walls, something like a  
substance-dependent Hollywood set designer's fantasy of an  
English boarding school. "Oh my."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This place used to be a love hotel. For people with  
interesting tastes."  
  
"You mean...?  
  
"If I remember the ads right, there was a fully  
outfitted dungeon in the basement."  
  
"Feel like cutting class, sweetheart?"  
  
"We shouldn't," Shinji said quietly.  
  
"Why not?" Asuka asked, grinning.  
  
"Because it isn't fair when Mi-chan's stuck at  
work."  
  
"Sorry, Mi-chan." The three held hands a moment.  
  
"G'bye, my darlings. Take care of each other,  
okay?" She wiped her eyes with her sleeve.  
  
"We will." They waved and turned toward the  
gates.  
  
"Forget something, Shinji-chan?" He looked down  
for a moment.  
  
"Oh, no! I left our lunches behind."  
  
"That's right. And you know what the penalty for   
making me eat cafeteria food is..."  
  
"Back in a minute."  
  
He sprinted to the car. _Good thing the traffic's so  
bad today. As much fun as his punishment would be, it  
doesn't really make up for having to eat that stuff._ She  
smiled as he opened the door and was promptly seized by  
their purple-tressed housemate.  
  
"Hey, Asuka!"  
  
"Hikari!"  
  
"Doesn't that bother you?"  
  
"What, Hikari-chan?"  
  
"Katsuragi-san grabbing on to Shinji-kun like that. I  
mean, I know they're close, but isn't French kissing a bit  
much?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, he's _your_ boyfriend, isn't he?"  
  
"Half the time he's my girlfriend."  
  
"But still..."  
  
"Why should I mind? If it'd been me, she would  
have done exactly the same thing."  
  
"Asuka-chan? You mean..."  
  
"Of course! Didn't you realise?"  
  
"You're serious? You and Shinji-kun and  
Katsuragi-san...?"  
  
"Yes." For once, Asuka was mildly abashed.  
_Hikari-chan must be the most innocent person I've ever  
met. I hope this isn't too much of a shock._ "I hope it  
doesn't bother you."  
  
"Bother me?" Hikari leaned over and whispered in  
Asuka's ear. "I've been worrying for months over what  
you'd think if you found out about Touji and Kensuke and  
me."  
  
"Well, I never thought Suzuhara swung that way,  
and on a personal level I can't imagine liking males quite  
that much, but I don't see how it makes any difference."  
  
"What do you think I should do about the class? If  
they find out..."  
  
"Trust me, they won't even notice. After the  
Wondergirls, anything else will seem completely normal."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You'll see."  
  
"Good morning," intoned four voices in eerie  
consort. The clones had linked arms as they walked.   
Identical small smiles adorned their faces. One broke away  
and held the door for the others; she clasped the hand of the  
last in line as she followed.  
  
"Are they...?" Hikari blushed.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How did _that_ happen? For that matter, where'd  
they all come from?"  
  
"Supposedly Rei was knocking around in the  
Geofront God knows why-- and she found this big tank  
with the other three in it. She let them out and, well, you  
don't want to hear the rest."  
  
"No."  
*****  
  
"Sorry I'm late!" Misato said as she stepped into the  
office. "Stupid traffic." There was no response.   
"Ritsuko?"  
  
She glanced towards her colleague's desk. And very  
quickly left the room. _I didn't know Maya was that...  
creative,_ she mused as she made her way to the cafeteria.  
  
Forty minutes later, she cracked open the door.   
"Are you decent?"  
  
Maya blushed. Ritsuko, however, was completely  
unruffled. "You know, if you'd got here on time we  
wouldn't have been so bored."  
  
"It's not my fault! The traffic is a nightmare these  
days. Why don't the police do something?"  
  
"We don't have any, remember?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"They all quit because of the Angel attacks. And  
when the Budget Committee noticed that nearly everyone  
else had left the city as well, they defunded the department."  
  
"Oh." She booted her computer up and spent a few  
minutes looking over her email. There was nothing except a  
chain letter and a memo about the upcoming NERV picnic  
and softball championship. She sighed and turned back to  
Ritsuko. "What do we do these days, anyhow?"  
  
"We maintain the Evangelion units in readiness for  
any renewed Angel activity."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous. You saw what happened with  
Unit 01. And I'm worried about 00 and 02." She glanced  
at the screen monitoring the cages. The two Eva had  
progressed from jan-ken-pon to patty-cake.  
  
"Obviously," she continued, "NERV must find new  
duties, new ways to serve our city. What if-- "  
  
"Stop it. You're going to suggest that we fill in as  
police, aren't you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it is our duty as the defenders of Tokyo-  
3."  
  
"You're full of it. You just want to get Asuka and  
Shinji out of school so you can pull them into a corner and  
neck whenever you feel like it."  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
*****  
  
"Ayanami Rei." Hikari read.  
  
"Here."  
  
"There are four of you." _Sensei?_ She'd thought  
he was asleep.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Didn't there only used to be one?"  
  
"One rescued us," said a Rei.  
  
"What?"  
  
"One rescued us," repeated another.  
  
"I don't understand." His dark glasses were  
trembling.  
  
"One rescued us," said a third.  
  
"Which one?" His whole body was visibly shaking.  
  
"One!" The other three Reis pointed.  
  
He banged his head against his desk. The action  
seemed to calm him. "Don't take the rest of the roll,  
Horaki-kun. If anyone else has become twins or triplets or  
something, I don't want to know about it."  
  
"We're _clones_!" interjected a Rei. Hikari was  
going to have to figure out some way to tell them apart.   
Maybe Shinji could help.  
  
Sensei ignored her. "Today, class, I am going to  
change our lesson plan. Instead of covering the Second  
Impact, we will discuss the halcyon days before widespread  
genetic engineering, when one's classmates seldom, if ever,  
doubled, tripled, or quadrupled themselves."  
*****  
  
Misato chugged her coffee. She wasn't sure if it  
was the third or the fourth cup. Not that it mattered. She  
glanced across the room: Ritsuko and Maya were gazing  
into each others' eyes, ignoring the Magi, which appeared  
to be playing a game of four-hand Tetris.  
  
"I'm going over to the range, 'kay?"  
  
Neither responded. Misato stopped into the armory  
to sign out her allotted practice ammunition. Since she  
hadn't fired her weapon in the past year, she had  
accumulated three boxes. _And I feel like shooting off every  
last round,_ she thought as she slipped the mufflers over her  
ears and pulled the switch for her first target.  
  
Wait. Ten-rings were boring. She flipped through  
her choices. Human silhouettes were equally dull. Smiley  
faces were only a slight improvement. Angels, local  
journalists, Regis Philbin Beta, and the Jet-alone Mech  
weren't right, either. Even if the life-size photograph of  
Commander Ikari hadn't been removed, she wouldn't have  
dared take the chance that Yui might be watching.  
  
After a moment's thought, she left the range and  
hopped an elevator to the surface. There was a sale on at  
the local Sanrio store.  
*****  
  
Shinji managed to get halfway through the first class  
before a cold water pipe sprang a leak, which disappeared  
as soon as the damage was done.  
  
"Damn," she muttered, hunching forward in hopes  
that her loose shirt would help conceal the change.  
  
"Wasn't Ikari-kun taller a few minutes ago?"  
whispered a nameless spear-carrier.  
  
"I think so. Probably a Jusenkyo curse," replied her  
equally anonymous axe-bearing friend.  
  
"Don't they make people's hair change colours?"  
  
"Let's not start a character debate."  
  
They both shuddered. "Right. So, you think he'll  
be showering with us now?"  
  
"_She_ probably will."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"I heard that!" Asuka's head expanded to  
dangerous proportions and her tongue shot out, much  
longer than usual and forked.  
  
"Wait a minute! When did Souryuu learn the Giant  
Demon Head?"  
  
"Isn't that technique exclusive to the Tendou  
family?"  
  
"Maybe she's a cousin."  
  
"No. This is not happening." The teacher laid his  
head on his desk and began to cry.  
  
"Let's get out of here," Hikari whispered, seizing  
Touji and Kensuke by the hands and dragging them through  
the door.  
*****  
  
Gendou leaned his fishing rod up against the porch.   
He hadn't caught anything today, but that was all right; he  
also hadn't been using a line. The fish didn't bother him,  
and he didn't bother them. It was a nice arrangement.  
  
In the living room, his wife was playing with a small  
furry animal. That was odd; they hadn't had any pets the  
last time he'd checked. "Yui? What's that?"  
  
She stroked the long-eared creature under the chin.   
"It's a doggit. My latest invention." It made an  
indescribable sound of pure happiness.  
  
"Like on Battlestar Galactica?"  
  
"No, no, no! That was a _daggit_. This is a  
_doggit_. It's half dog, half rabbit. I didn't think it was  
right that there were cabbits and nothing to bark at them."  
  
"Does it become a giant crystalline spaceship? Or a  
humanoid?"  
  
"No. But it does transform into both a mini-van and  
a vacuum cleaner!"  
  
The puppets appeared. Gendou groaned and  
covered his ears.  
  
"All hail Yui-chan! Greatest-- hey, he's not  
listening!"  
  
"You're hurting our feelings!" Both began to cry.   
The doggit licked their faces.  
  
"Eeewww! Doggit kisses!" They vanished.  
*****  
  
Shinji swung open the door. "We're home!"  
  
Misato's sidearm was drawn, locked in a two  
handed grip. She faced something at the other end of the  
living room, grimly intent.  
  
Asuka slipped a slender object from her pocket. It  
flared into a meter-long blade of red energy and she  
dropped into stance, moving to flank her lover.  
  
Shinji produced a slim double-edged sword from  
nowhere, and took a position at Misato's other side, ready  
to meet the charge of the...  
  
Hello Kitty poster. Which was already liberally  
decorated with small holes. As was a fair portion of the rest  
of the wall.  
  
"Hey, sweethearts! How was your d-- What the  
heck?"  
  
"Sorry." Asuka quenched her blade and returned the  
hilt to her pocket. Shinji grounded his swordpoint.  
  
"Umm, Asuka-chan? Did you become a Jedi knight  
or something while I wasn't looking?"  
  
"Oh, no, not at all. I've just been exploring my  
Juraian heritage. My aunt sent me the spaud as a Startica  
gift."  
  
"'Spaud'? Isn't that from the wrong manga?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but it's such a neat word."  
  
"I guess. And I don't think you're supposed to be  
into swords, Shin-chan."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"This isn't that kind of story."  
  
"Oh, you're no fun." The weapon disappeared to  
wherever it had come from.  
  
Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Anyways, Mi-chan,  
what's up with the gun?"  
  
She laid it on the table and stripped off her goggles.   
"Oh, it's just an air pistol. I had one when I was a kid, and I  
was feeling kind of nostalgic, so I figured hey, why not?"  
  
"And the poster?"  
  
"Therapy."  
*****  
  
That night, Tokyo-3 was still and peaceful. Shinji  
and Asuka lay safe beside Misato, wrapped in her arms.   
Maya and Ritsuko drowsed blissfully on the couch after a  
marathon of Totoro movies. The Reis slumbered in a  
comfortable pile on their king-size waterbed. Hikari slept  
snuggled between her studmuffins, her ears plugged against  
their snores.  
  
In a small guardpost on the western edge of the city,  
Corporal Leopold Weiss stubbed out another cigarette. It  
was all a complete crock. Join the UN Armed Forces, see  
the world. Meet interesting people. Right. He'd proven to  
have an aptitude for Japanese. And sure, it had got him out  
of Hoboken. And put him straight into a city that was just  
as ugly, watching for evil monsters that hadn't been seen in  
more than a year, but which would surely wipe him out if  
they ever did appear. "Stupid smegging job," he muttered  
to himself.  
  
"What was that?" Sargent Gertrude van Rijn asked.   
  
"Nothing." Gertie made the rest of his assignment  
seem pleasant. No one knew where she came from, but she  
spoke Japanese, Dutch, Swahili, Arabic, and English, all  
with the same hideous "German trying to sound like a  
character from the Beverly Hillbillies" accent. It didn't help  
that she was a world-class martial artist and deadly with  
every weapon ever created, could bench-press four times  
her weight, and got all the cute boys _and_ girls before  
anyone else in the UN detachment could get near them.  
  
"Something's out there," she said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I can hear it. A giant robot."  
  
"One of those Evangelion things?"  
  
"No. Those are mostly biological. This one's  
mechanical."  
  
"How can you tell?"  
  
"It's a skill."  
  
Suddenly it loomed before them. He didn't need the  
Manual of Giant Robot Silhouettes. He'd watched dubbed  
anime on Cartoon Network as a child. "It's a Gundam!" he  
cried.  
  
"Kaak. This is the wrong world for those. Don't  
tell me... Relena!"  
  
A boarding ramp in the chest of the war mech  
lowered, and a pretty teenage girl, her long blonde hair  
worn loose save for two braids at the sides, stepped out and  
dropped to the ground. "Hey, Gertie! Long time, no see!"  
she called. They gripped wrists.  
  
"What? She's not supposed to be-- "  
  
"Alternate universe. Be quiet!" van Rijn snapped.   
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Oh, just looking for Duo and Lady Une. We've  
got a few scores to settle."  
  
"I haven't seen them lately. You might look in outer  
space."  
  
"I was thinking to try Antarctica. It's a nice place  
for duels."  
  
"It doesn't exist in this world. They blew it up."  
  
"Damn. That ice is a lot of fun, and pretty as well."  
  
Listening was enough to make Leopold cry. "I  
thought she was a pacifist! I thought Duo was her friend! I  
thought-- "  
  
"Can it, Weiss. It's a game they play. They use  
paintballs and Nerf sabers."  
  
"And I'm five points ahead!" Relena said happily.   
"If I can get it up to ten, Heero owes me dinner! And a  
movie! And a hotel room!"  
  
"Sounds nice. I could give you a hand, if you'd like  
to make it a threesome."  
  
"You know I don't swing that way, Gertie."  
  
"Well, I can try, can't I?"  
  
Relena winked. "You can. And who knows? You  
might even catch me feeling curious sometime."  
  
"Freya hear my prayer! Good hunting, Relena!"  
  
"Thanks!" She leapt into her Gundam and vanished  
in the darkness.  
**********  
  
To be continued in Fanservice III: Silent Arrest.   
Coming gods-know-when. 


End file.
